Blinders on. This is hard

I'm up and down. I'm having small victories and then my dumb self looks around at other people's $700 bicycles for sale. Posts about 1 hour swim workouts, blah, blah, blah, blah. I am NOT getting ahead of myself. I am not setting my sight on other people's goals. I am working on where I AM AT. Working with MY BUDGET. If someone wants to donate a $700 bike to me that'd be great, but I don't even know how ride my $35 bike and I refuse to let myself jump into the money/competition game. I got 8 kids that go to Catholic schools. I know better than going there. This money thing has been probably the biggest deterrent from me for jumping into triathlons. I don't have endless supplies to be throwing around on my hobbies. Most people have no idea how much time, resources, energy, and money my kids take to raise and I, today am going to keep my focus on me and who I am and what I want.

So today, working on those small victories. Not comparing myself to others and making steps forward. I keep having to repeat this same thing over and over and over again.

I know where I'm at. I know I can accomplish big things. I know it takes patience. I know that I have persistence and determination and I know I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. NOT GOING TO START THE COMPARING GAME OR THE KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES.

Keeping it in check

My emotions are in a crappy place so just keeping it in check today. Reminding myself that I don't always have to be positive. I can blow off steam and piss and moan until I get it out and feel better. So you know what I'm pissing and moaning.

Race time - I gave it my all and I mean MY ALL. I do not think I could have made my stupid legs go any faster. I KNOW THIS.  I should not have looked at my standing. I was actually okay with my sucky time, slightly disappointed, but not too bad. It wasn't until I saw I was 123 out of 136 that I flipping kind of lost it for a second. Tears welling up in my eyes and everything.

I am not a "let's just have some fun" kind of girl. It's just not me. Sorry. I'm super intense and high strung. I'm annoying. I'm type A, OCD, that's me. I am okay with who I am. I am usually positive! And I will be if it kills me!

So letting this all out here. Today kind of sucked, but I KNEW this was how it was going to be when I got to the start line. No way to get to the other side if you don't push through this. I KNEW this was going to be an uphill climb.

I'm climbing! Anyhow, next blog post will be more positive. I do not want a pep talk. I am my own pep talk. Shaking this off.

Tri-ing. Seriously thinking about a triathlon this year

I have no idea what the hell I am doing with this one, but it's on my radar. I need a bike. I'm going to get one. I am going to ride one. I am more nervous about the bike than the swimming. Biking is like driving and I'm not a good driver. I hate driving and I haven't rode a bike since I was 15, but I really want to do this. I think it'd be good to have a new goal to focus on. I think it would help me not be anxious about my running. A good distraction. I think..... I just don't know how I think I'm going to do it all.

Anyhow, I found two possible races to look at Eagle Lake Triathlon or the one I'm really thinking about mostly because it's further away Barron Lake Triathlon.

These are just ideas in my little brain. I'm not committed yet. Can't commit without a bike and being sure I still know how to ride one. I have seriously lost my marbles.

Don't post blog posts when you're drinking

Oops. Oh well. I plan to be the girl that takes all of your damn excuses away. I mean hell, 8 kids, work full time, run a marathon. I call that badass. Could be the wine talking. Oh well. I'm pretty damn focused on two goals.

1. Qualify for Boston and by Boston I mean the damn marathon which is uh, 26.2 freaking miles for all the non-runners that might read my bullshit. So in my buzzed state (not drunk I promise). Only had 2 glasses and I can still type besides a friend posted an article which I vaguely read that says something like a research study said you can write better when you're buzzed. Just not sure if you can read better so I might have to go read that. Anywhoooooo, since I turn 45 this year I think this is a fantastic time to chase this goal even if I am running freaking 13 minute stupid miles! Ugh. Boo.

For 2019 women's qualifying time is 45-49  3hrs 55min 00sec

I think I can do it! I really do. I mean I got my freaking work cut out for me, but yes, I think I can. Posting my stupid PRs just so I can feel better about myself because this stupid freaking 3 hour half marathon crap is getting old.

Okay, bucket list number 2 is a stupid triathlon which I haven't rode a bike and look hell I can actually spell it right. Woot. Last time I'm off and typing ROAD like an idiot. Uh, no, I know how to spell. Also, while I'm at it because I got some serious pent up energy. I am not an idiot. I am hyperactive yes, talk a lot, and somewhat of a spaz, but I'm actually a damn good student and always at the top of my class. Anyhow, focus. Bucket list triathlon, Boston is the primary goal though.

So everyone is clear, I am probably going to become an absolute lunatic in the next 8 weeks because I am very, very focused on running my first marathon in I think 5 years which makes me sad, but Andrew and my nursing degree were worth it.

Delete, delete, delete, delete . Everyone does not need to read my bullshit. Anyway this was therapeutic for me. Bam, Boston it is. I think the secret to success to running Boston is to drink wine. There! See you speedy folks in Boston in 2020 because I'm going. (Might have to find a charity to run for, but that's my goal and I'm sticking to it.)

The usual bullshit

Haven't blogged in forever, but mostly putting this here so everybody doesn't have to read my crap on FB. Feeling this I don't belong here feeling as I post in one of my running groups. Feeling extremely discouraged even though I'm putting on my best I'm a badass face. I saved a screenshot of my long run from Sunday and trying to convince myself that this will be a testament at some point of how far I've come. Most of me believes I can get there again. I'm just disgusted about how long I think it's going to take. Anyhow for today just needed to spill all of this somewhere. I don't want to be the slow runner, the fat runner, the one that everyone's cheering at the end of the race. I get it. I do it to, but I don't want that to be me. I don't care if I'm 'fast' right anymore. All I want is 10 min/ miles. That's it! Ugh. Okay that's it for today. Adding my screenshot to this post. Hoping I'm right that this will be meaningful one day.